Leia Miserables a Star Wars Opera
by Robot Parade
Summary: A disjointed telling of the first Trilogy, set to a disjointed musical score from Les Miserables.


This silliness fell out of Winged Kamui's and Arrhae's brains one fine afternoon back in 1997, and has been slowly trickling ever since. It's completely derivative, neither of us is smart enough to think up original characters or situations. All hail George Lucas, without whom Kamui would have more of a life, more money, and probably be graduating from Harvard this year instead of a sophomore at UWM and toiling at Wal-Mart. Damn you, George!

Leia Miserables, a Star Wars Opera.

PROLOGUE- A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY

(A gang of Wookiee slaves labors to complete the Death Star.) 

CHORUS.  
Look down, look down,  
Don't look 'em in the eye.  
Look down, look down,  
You're here until you die.

WOOKIEE 1.  
It's cold in space,  
And Kashhhyk's far away.

CHORUS.  
Look down, look down,  
You're here and here to stay.

WOOKIEE 2.  
I miss my home,  
I miss the trees and air.

CHORUS.  
Look down, look down,  
The Impies do not care.

WOOKIEE 3.  
I know, one day,  
I know that I'll be free.

CHORUS.  
Look down, look down,  
That day will never be.

WOOKIEE 4.  
When I get free  
You won't see me  
Here for dust.

CHORUS.  
Look down, look down,  
Don't look 'em in the eye.

WOOKIEE 5.  
(Sings/growls an untranslatable Wookiee curse)

_(plot summary: Han Solo, or Han Valhan, enters. A cadet fresh from Carida, his first task for the Empire is to oversee this group of slaves, Chewbacca among them. Han argues with his commanding officer; he does not think slavery is right. The officer tells him to follow orders or be drummed out of the service. Han is now in a moral quandary.)_

HAN'S SOLILOQUY-WHO AM I?

HAN.  
Who am I?  
Can I condemn this Wook to slavery?  
Pretend I do not see his agony?  
This Wookie slave with furry face,  
Can I free him and lose my place?  
I'm a guy  
Who doesn't think that man should Wookies buy  
I never like to see a Wookie cry.  
But I go to a traitor's grave  
If I set free a Wookie slave.  
Who am I?  
A good and loyal Impie space cadet.  
I'll trade this for a Wookie life debt pet.  
If execution ends my flight,  
At least I've done this one thing right!  
I swear I'll never fly a TIE  
'Cause that's a quicker way to die.  
Who am I? Who am I?  
I'm Han Valhan!  
Indoctrination I'll reject,  
I'll take Chewbacca and defect!  
Who am I?  
TK-421!

_(Plot summary- Han rips up his Imperial identification, and he and Chewbacca leave the Empire's service and become smugglers. We now go to a desert planet in the outer rim, where a young man stares up at the clear blue sky and wishes he were somewhere else.)_

PLANET WITH SOME CLOUDS

YOUNG LUKE.  
There is a planet with some clouds  
I like to go there in my sleep.  
No Uncle Owen, he's a creep,  
Not on my planet with some clouds.  
There is a place with no Beru,  
No more of her disgusting stew.  
No more of her gross sauerkraut,  
Not on my planet with some clouds.  
There I will live with Ben Kenobi,  
He will teach me about the force.  
He's very old, and he's ugly too.  
He says, "Young Luke,  
May the force be with you."

There is a place with Jedi Knights,  
Good versus evil, dark and light,  
Tatooine folks are not allowed,  
Not on my planet with some clouds.

_(plot summary: Han meets Luke and Obi-Wan Kenobi, who give him an offer he can't refuse. Han makes his way to the docking bay, where he meets Jabba the Hutt.)_

JABBA'S WALTZ OF EXTORTION

JABBA:  
What to do? What to say?  
Shall I let you fly the Falcon away?  
You have not paid me yet...  
Have you forgotten you owe me a debt?  
For the spice that you lost,  
You know that you must make up the cost!  
No offense, understand  
It's bad for business, and business must stand.  
Lose a load of Kessel spice,  
Surely you know that you must pay a price!  
It's just business!

HAN:  
Look, Jabba, I can understand.  
And I will pay you what you say.  
Let us not talk of business, or spice, or cost.  
I will pay you for what I lost!

JABBA:  
You'll still stay in the red,  
For you just made poor Greedo eat lead.  
Why do that? Why indeed?  
Assign me a motive that's other than greed!  
Greedo's life has a price  
That boy was a surplus sacrifice.  
One thing more, One small doubt-  
There are treacherous people about!  
Han my boy, don't you see,  
How do I know that you'll come back to me!

HAN:  
No more words. Here's your price  
Seventeen thousand for your load of spice!  
I've a fare, so goodbye.  
A whiney boy and a crazy old guy  
Come, Chewie, let us leave  
This blob of Hutt-grease is making me heave!

_(More plot summary. Lots of things blow up, and two popular science fiction movies happen. Then, as the Empire begins work on a second Death Star, people in many places begin to simultaneously complain.) _

AT THE END OF THE DAY

STORMTROOPERS:  
At the end of the day we are safe from Lord Vader,  
And that's all you can say for the life of an Imp!  
It's a struggle, it's Star Wars,  
And we need to kill all the Rebels,  
One more day, hiding from Darth,  
What is it for?  
One day less to be living.

IMPERIAL OFFICERS:  
At the end of the day it's another day breathing.  
Cause the starchiest collar don't keep out the Force!  
There goes Vader stalking past,  
So we all pretend that we're working,  
Cause the Dark Lord is coming on fast, ready to kill.  
One day nearer to dying.

REBELS:  
At the end of the day there's another day dawning.  
And the station they're building is ready to rise.

LABRIA:  
Playing Sabbac,

REBELS:  
Bribing guards,

FIGRIN D'AN:  
Playing kloo horn as long as I'm able!

VADER:  
Strangling Rebels 'til they drop!

JAWAS:  
Keep on stealing wires and cables!

ALL:  
And there's going to be hell to pay!  
At the end of the day!

_(Half a movie later, after narrowly escaping being teddy bear food, Luke gets a pep talk from some old dead friends.)_

DO YOU HEAR THE JEDI SING? YODA'S SPIRIT:  
Do you hear the Jedi sing,  
Singing the songs of good and right.  
It is the music of the Jedi  
Who are on the side of light!  
When the humming of your sword  
Echoes the humming of their song,  
Feel the force, Young Skywalker,  
And you can't be wrong!

OBI-WAN'S SPIRIT:  
You must join in our crusade,  
Destroy the Evil, save your friends,  
Fight Vader and the Emperor  
So suffering will end!

YODA:  
Beware of the Dark Side,  
Do not to its black pits descend!  
CHORUS OF DEAD REBEL SPIRITS:  
Do you hear the Rebels sing?  
Singing the songs of angry men.  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again!  
Swing your saber fast and true.  
Cut out the Empire's evil core.  
The Alliance counts on you,  
Help us win the war!

BIGGS'S SPIRIT:  
Will you give all you can give  
So the Alliance may advance  
Some will fall and some will live,  
Will you stand up and take your chance!  
Tomorrow the Rebels  
Will kick some Imperial pants!

ALIVE REBELS:  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Singing the songs of good and right.  
It is the music of a people  
Who are not afraid to fight!  
When the beating of our hearts  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!

_(plot summary: The evil Galactic Empire sure of victory, and the Rebels on Endor feeling psyched and ready for anything, the whole cast launches into a huge production number.) _

ONE DAY MORE

LUKE:  
One day more!  
Another day another destiny,  
This never ending Dark Side sorcery.  
I have to face my evil dad,  
And for the rebels things look bad.  
One day more.

HAN:  
I'm going to lead our ground attack,  
So from the Falcon I'll be parted.

LUKE:  
One day more!

LANDO:  
Just have that shield down in time,  
Or all the Rebels will be martyred.

PALPATINE:  
One more day of death and war.  
HAN:  
Will I see my ship again?

PALPATINE:  
One more day and one more Death Star!

LANDO:  
I will get her back to you!

PALPATINE:  
What a battle is in store,

HAN:  
Just make certain that you do!

PALPATINE:  
What a victory will be ours!

ACKBAR:  
One more day before the storm!

VADER:  
Can I follow my Dark path?

ACKBAR:  
On the forest moon of Endor!

VADER:  
Can I murder my own son?

ACKBAR:  
When our fighter squadrons form!

VADER:  
Yes; I'll serve my Emperor!

ACKBAR:  
We will fight for liberty!

VADER:  
There is no conflict  
Within me!

LUKE:  
One day more!

PALPATINE:  
One more day to revolution,  
We will nip it in the bud.  
We will crush their fleet completely  
We will make them pay in blood.  
LUKE:  
One day more!

IMPERIAL PILOTS:  
Hear our engines scream!  
Watch the X wings fall!  
We will kill the Rebels,  
We'll destroy them all!  
Bolts of fire fly,  
This revolt we'll crush!  
We're the hotshot pilots,  
And we don't miss... much!

REBELS:  
One day to a new beginning,  
Raise the flag of freedom high!  
Human, Bith or Rodian,  
Every man will be a king!  
There's a new world for the winning,  
There's a new world to be won!  
Do you hear the Rebels sing!

EWOKS:  
To save our home  
We'll fight with you.

LUKE:  
One day more.

HAN:  
I'm going to lead  
The ground attack,

VADER:  
What a victory  
Will be ours!

HAN:  
So from the Falcon  
I'll be parted...

LUKE:  
One day more!   
PALPATINE:  
I'll destroy these  
people's heroes  
Every squadron,  
Red or Green.  
I will crush their  
Sad rebellion  
It will go as  
I've foreseen!

LANDO:  
Just get the shield  
Down in time!  
Or all the Rebels  
Will be martyred! 

VADER:  
One more day to revolution  
We will nip it in the bud  
We'll destroy their fleet completely   
REBEL PILOTS:  
Watch our lasers fly!  
Watch the Impies die!  
Glad that I'm inside an X-wing  
Not a TIE 

LUKE:  
The Death Star will be blown away,  
Tomorrow is the Judgment Day.

EVERYONE:  
Tomorrow we'll discover  
If the Force is with us anymore!  
One more dawn.  
One more day.  
One day more.

Part two coming soon... Prequels! (As soon as I can bring myself to watch Episode I again v_v... Damn you, George!) 


End file.
